If this time of year feels hard

Some of my strategies for December

How does December feel for you? If you’re anything like me, you might carry a lot of heaviness at this time of year. Or you might enjoy the lights, music and food, but struggle with the darker days, or with memories of lost loved ones. Either way, if you’re struggling at this time of year, know that you’re not alone. ❤️

In this post, I share some of my strategies for dealing with December, and I’d love to invite you to share yours too.

I’m not sure when December and Christmas shifted for me from being a time I loved—a Christmas songs on full blast, decorating the house, baking cookies-kind of love—to how it often feels for me now: heavy and pressured.

It’s the forced cheerfulness that probably gets me the most, in combination with not feeling that cheerfulness myself. I’ve probably been depressed too many times in December not to carry more heaviness with me this time of year.

I’m still unpacking the meanings of this month for me, but as I was reading Nina Maclaughlin’s essay Winter Solstice (affiliate link) earlier this week these words made me pause:

Solstice means sun-stilled. … It’s a wild sort of stilling, a thrashing frenzied sort of stilling, a stopping of time, a de-metering, a holding of the breath as the tension builds, as the dark expands, until it cracks and the light drives in. That’s the hope.

That phrase, of holding the breath as the tension builds and the dark expanding encapsulates exactly how this time of year feels for me. A feeling of tension and pressure, an almost bodily sensation of discomfort.

At the same time, I’m fortunate in spending the holidays with people who give me loads of space. And as I write this in mid-December of 2024, I’ve been able to pretty much ignore the build-up of the festive season, other than doing some of my own rituals.

Depending on your business, your family dynamics and memories, December might be very joyful for you. Or maybe you too, struggle at this time of year and feel alone with your feelings amongst all the iterations of “it’s the most wonderful time of the year!”. If that’s the case, I hope this list of suggestions is useful for you.

Plan ahead

I’m very intentional about when I do what at any time of year, and that includes Christmas. We’ve build in buffer time in between time with my parents and time with J’s son.

The key question for me here is, How can I make this time as nourishing and calm as possible?

Depending on your plans, there might be very little time available for rest and calm. I’d encourage you to try to find pockets of that nonetheless if you need it, from shifting things around to have a morning by yourself amidst visits, or even locking yourself into a bathroom for 5 minutes for a short meditation (many apps, including the one I use, Headspace, offer short meditations that help me feel grounded).

Or you might be by yourself, by choice or not. This might feel good to you—a time to watch your favourite films and eat chocolate in your pyjamas—or you might feel deep sadness and grief. If you’re alone and this time is especially hard for you, making a plan can be helpful too. What would make this time of year just a little bit easier for you? Can you cook yourself a nice meal if you love cooking, or are you going to get a fancy take-out meal? Will you pretend that the holidays aren’t happening (a valid option I’d say) and continue to work as usual, or are you filling your home with new-to-you books, films, music and puzzles during this time off?

Communicate your needs

As my needs have become more and more pressing over the past couple of years (hello daily naps), I’ve at times struggled communicating them to other people. I’m practising, and I’d love to invite you to do the same.

I know I’m fortunate in having a partner and parents who understand my needs, and I know that this is not for everyone. I probably would not take a nap if I were to spend the entire day with extended family. But I’d think of other ways in which I could still honour my need for rest, such as more rest on the days before and after, staying on the sidelines of certain conversations, or even suggesting a walk outside in the fresh air.

Even if you can’t communicate your needs with everyone during the holidays, can you find an ally to look out for you? Is there one person who you can share with that you’ve been struggling, that you need to take some extra medications, or need to go outside for a bit? Just having one person who knows can make a huge difference.

Some phrases to use when communicating ideas:

• “I’d love to meet for Christmas brunch, but dinner doesn’t work for me” (means: time to rest in the evening)

• “I’m available on XYZ” (which means you don’t need to provide an excuse)

• “This season has been quite full-on for me, and I’m taking some time for myself/my family/whatever on X day(s)”

Remember, you really don’t owe anyone anything, and even if you do end up attending an event you don’t care much for, you can still set boundaries around what you offer in terms of hosting, preparation, and duration.

You are allowed to take time off from your business.

Communicating your needs in business

If you’re taking time off from your business (and I’d very much encourage you to), turn on your out of office reply on your email, mention your unavailability all over your website and communicate beforehand with clients and customers. You are allowed to take time off from your business. Nothing will break. No one will be upset (and in case they are, you will survive this too).

Reexamine your ‘shoulds’

The festive season brings so many expectations with it: expectations that others might have of us, or that we might have of ourselves. These expectations are often what make the holidays hard or overwhelming, so it’s worthwhile to explore them a bit.

Can you be aware of your own expectations more, and the extent to which you’re putting too much pressure on yourself? And which expectations do you think others have of you?

If you’re comfortable, you can even ask others what they want from this time of year—are they really expecting what you think they are? And if so, can you gently push back on those expectations?

What lies underneath the shoulds and expectations?

Because this is a season so filled with traditions, we often pile on should after should. We need to decorate the tree and send cards. We need to bake homemade cookies. We need to cook elaborate meals. We need to spend extended stretches of time with family members. We need to be merry and happy. But what really lies underneath these shoulds?

For instance, your desire to spend time withe the people you love doesn’t mean that you have to cook a six-course meal. It can look like meeting at a pub instead, or having everyone bring something that you can just pop into the oven. It can mean taking a long walk together followed by hot cocoa.

Make it easy on yourself. Where can you take the pressure off? Where can you be kinder to yourself? Where can you gently set boundaries, whether around availability or preparations?

Give yourself space

Give yourself space for rest. For grief. For sadness. For anger. For joy. For all the conflicting emotions.

One of the reasons why I often struggle at this time of year is because my inner landscape clashes so much with the noise, brightness and excess of the festive season. I’m grounded by looking at the natural world around me: at the garden decaying in various shades of red, green and brown, at the bare branches, at the winter light when it emerges. Making a solstice or Advent wreath and lighting a candle a week is a ritual I especially appreciate—I love gently adding more light as the days get shorter and darker.

This year’s solstice wreath, made with greenery from the garden

This year I’m also planning a little fire ceremony. A few years ago I discovered how clearing and cathartic setting fire to a piece of paper with worries was. On the winter solstice I’m planning to write the things I’m ready to let go off on pieces of paper, and burn them in a dish in the garden. I like the idea of releasing and of making space for light like that.

How do you feel about this time of year? How do you take care of yourself? Leave a comment and join the conversation.

» I wrote an earlier iteration of this post two years ago, with some additional ideas and resources: How to take care of yourself this season.

» Lindsay’s newsletter is one that I almost always add to my ‘save’ folder, because it’s always so full of wisdom and comfort, especially for those of us with illness or chronic conditions. She’s now shared her annual resource Honoring the Year You Had, which is the gentlest reflection on the past year, making space for grief and joys, big or small.

» If you’re in the mood for some business reflection, my workshop End your year with clarity and calm is just the thing: non-overwhelming, gentle and effective.

Sunday feel-good film night | J and I have started a casual tradition of watching feel-good films on Sunday evenings. Our eclectic list includes Moonrise Kingdom, Despicable Me 4 and Fly Me To the Moon.

books | I read There Are Rivers in the Sky and Devotion earlier this month and was blown away by both. There Are Rivers in the Sky has such immense humanity, and an unflinching dedication to bearing wisdom to what needs to be seen; Devotion is a wholly original story with some of the most beautiful words and sentences I’ve ever read. (affiliate links)

short stories | As a supporter of the Galley Beggar Press, I received a perfect little package of Galley Beggar Pocket Ghosts—their new winter range perfect for this time of year, and perfect to read in a single sitting. I’d never read anything by Muriel Sparks and loved her stories in this collection (the other two Pocket Ghosts include a short story by Elizabeth Gaskell, and Charles Dickens [no, not a Christmas Carol]).

No matter how you feel about this time of year, I hope you can take care of yourself and wish you lots of calm and rootedness. I’ll be back in your inbox in January. x

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